Saturday, February 20, 2016

Santicore 2015 entry

 I made a contribution to the 2015 Secret Santicore project.  For those unfamiliar with this holiday extravaganza - contributors make a "gift" request for a bit of gaming material - a list, dungeon, plot, items, etc. and receive a random request from another contributor to fulfill.  The whole kit and caboodle is eventually compiled and put out for public consumption.  The project hasn't hit the streets yet, so figured I could post up my contribution for funsies.

I missed entering/contributing to the prior installation by one day, so watched my calendar more closely for the Santicore's 2015 announcements.  (I don't remember what I asked for at this moment - I think a list of interesting hats.)

Here's the request I received.

I've been a good person this year (except for those poor goblins) and I'd like more gonzofantasy material about goblins, possibly expanding on previous gonzogoblin material you previously delivered.
I'll leave the eggnog and the goblins hogtied in the usual place this xmas.

OK, I could work with that withing the two-week deadline.  What I came up with:

Gonzo Goblins, part the nth.

1. Dervish Quibbles – Dancing fools, whirling and spinning to the sound of obscene chants and out-of-tune shinbone flutes. +1 to morale checks for chaos-forces in the immediate area. Save or become mesmerized by their dance. The rat-skin kilts and scalp tutus are a nice touch.

2. Necro-prosthetic Qols – Equipped with any number of extra undead limbs sutured on. These limbs may or may not be goblin, or even humanoid. They gain one additional attack per grasping limb (strikes at -2, -1 damage).

3. Immolative Booms – Injected with alchemical solvents, these suicide-troopers fling themselves into battle as they burst into flame, 10’ radius damage:
    a. Blue – cold flame – 1d6+1 freezing damage to anyone within range.
    b. Yellow – 1d6 damage, cannot be dowsed with water. Water causes the flames to scatter and spatter. Those set aflame may only smother the flames (taking 1d4 damage for an additional 1d3 rounds).
    c. Red – sucks all oxygen out of air – 1d6 suffocation damage/round, all flame sources extinguished.
    d. Green – 1d6 damage, any metal gear worn or carried corrodes.

4. Fungal-blooming Nurgles – Shroom-infested shambling wastrels – A group of them has a 25% chance of being a hive-mind capable of coordinated action. Spore clouds released by melee will cause anyone killed in battle to rise as a fungal zombie.

5. Accretionary Fibbits – Afflicted by partially-decalcified bones and sloughing skin, these goblins meld together by running headlong into one another. They will merge until they are a large, sticky ball of limbs and teeth. Unwieldly, they roll into a fray, causing crushing and abrading damage (1d4 per two goblin-bodies accreted).

6. Luminescent Fleens – Glow with sickly yellow or green pulsing lights, approximately half the range of a torch. A skewered goblin will provide light for 2d6 turns before dissolving into a puddle of dimming goo.

7. Scar-written Reavers – Decorated with baroque curses carved into their flesh. Act as protection vs good (60%), mirror image (25%), teleport (10%), or reanimate dead (5%, reanimates slain goblin).

8. Tortoise-riding Captchas – Known as the most resilient, yet most tardy, chaos war-force. These goblin cavaliers will typically be seen playing cards, composing songs, or painting their mounts’ shells while in the midst of a ‘charge’. They may reach battle sometime after hostilities have ceased, or, if the riders are slain by faster opponents, the tortoises will continue to trundle, unperturbed, through the battle, not causing any damage, other than pausing to graze.

9. Pixie-snorting Hoons – Tweaked-out goblins addicted to dried pixies, which have been crushed into a coarse powder. They will typically be found tripping balls and sneezing glitter. Hoons spend most of their energy attempting to catch more fairies with bolos and nets.

10. Fermented Pikers – Pikers are stored in stasis in casks of distilled spirits by certain chaos-lords as an ‘instant’ battle force. When broken out from the casks, they will form an inebriated phalanx and charge into battle. 33% chance that they will attack the wrong force.

11. Inflatable Flatulents – These expand with intestinal gas from an exceptionally high-fiber diet. Massed flatulents will either attempt to asphyxiate foes or light farts for 1d4 burst flame damage (+1 damage for each additional flatulent, range 15’). Slaying an inflated flatulent will cause it to explode, causing 1d4 damage in a 5’ radius, with the potential for a flatulent chain-reaction explosion. Unseasonably warm in their vicinity.

12. Beetle Pinchers – Ascetic goblins found meditating within the pain-ecstasy of various large, pissed-off beetles hung from their mortified flesh. They speak in tongues through their agony. Unfortunately, all they channel are alien beetle-gods.

13. Arboreal Snits – Gifted with extra-long forearms, these live in trees, stealing stuff and throwing flaming poo. They tend to gang-tackle a single foe and have a penchant for ripping the teeth from still-living victims for necklaces. They do not have the sunlight penalty of normal goblins.

14. Meditative Oppugners – Living in abandoned churches and monasteries, where they interpret random pamphlets, recipes, poetry, shopping lists, etc. as theological texts. This will eventually devolve into monastery-wide battle until a single combatant is left, holding aloft a bent candlestick or similar improvised weapon, screaming “I am the serenest!” Generally illiterate.

15. Throbbing Grissles – Become exceptionally aroused by battle. Disturbingly so… Ohgodwhatarethosetwogoblinsdoing?

16. Swimming Gits – Often mistaken for stunted sahuagin, these semi-aquatic goblins evolved/were mutated to have webbed feet and hands. They wield nasty little barbed bone javelins. Four or more chanting together for four rounds can summon a small water weird (3HD). Not that they can control it or anything.

17. Tinkersnitches – Adorned in an array of absconded gnomish clockwork armor, likely damaged and malfunctioning.
1-2: Armor binds up or seizes. Wearer held immobile for 1d4 rounds
3-5: Armor augments melee damage +1
6-7: Armor malfunctions and injures its wearer, 1d4 damage
8: Armor improves normal goblin AC by 2.

18. Cthidiots – They somehow got into a batch of Elder Gods. These damned goblins are horrifically mutated with random tentacles, sores weeping tar-like ichor, scaly gills, and/or bug eyes. They may randomly phase-shift to alien planes, returning as either blubbering, mindless shells, or conduits for ineffable alien intelligences. Best to stay clear.


  1. Hahahaha this is awesome! I haven't had a laugh like this in the RPG realm for eons! You got me following your blog as a favorite :). Cheers!

    1. Hi Jason,
      Thanks! It was definitely inspired by a short deadline, ha!